My Name is Liz and I Hate Public Speaking

Hate. Loathe. Detest. Abhor. Despise.

These are a few choice I words that I would use to describe my feeling towards the journal club presentation. Don't get me wrong, the paper I chose was pretty interesting and creating the slides wasn't that challenging, but the actual public speaking... that was pretty terrifying. 

I spent the day before trying to find an empty room using QuickRoom app. Let me tell you, I didn't think that finding a working projector at an institute of technology would be so challenging. 

Once I found a room with a working projector, I awkwardly stood in front of an empty classroom and rehearsed my spiel. Want to know what's even more awkward? A person abruptly opening the door in the middle of my presentation, staring blankly at me for a few seconds, and then blurting out that they were a half hour early for some event happening in the same room. Although I was frustrated that I had spent so much time finding what seemed to be the only functioning projector on campus, I smiled, said that yes, I could pack up and leave and I wished them a great night. 

It was the next day that the moment of truth came: my official journal club presentation. During the whole time leading up to my presentation I told anyone who would listen how much I hated public speaking and my anecdotes that supported my hostile feelings. In fact, I subjected poor Noreen to my story about the time I was supposed to give a speech persuading my 6th grades peers why I should represent them in the student government in my school. I didn't say a word. I just mutely stood there, my teacher trying to prompt me to speak with a couple of questions. Although it was one of my most embarrassing moments, the story did end with me winning the student government representative position due to the fact my competition was out sick that day. 

I'm glad to say that my journal club presentation did not proceed in the same way as my 6th grade student government speech. For one, I actually said words. I was audible and for the most part knew what I was talking about. As far I'm concerned, I consider my presentation a success.

However, there were definitely some things I could have improved on. Like, maybe I should have looked up information about zinc finger motifs, which was a very important part of my RNF138 E3 Ligase. I had somehow totally thought I knew what those were (tehe, if it wasn't obvious, I totally didn't) and so when the question was asked, I was super excited. Then I realized I had no clue how to answer. If there's one thing I learned, even when you think you're ready, go over everything again. You know, like the boy scout motto:

Although everything didn't go as planned, there is one thing that I can say:

I'm glad it's over.

Struggle for The Perfect Day

I made myself one promise when I started my Mod 2 report: I would not be working on my research article on Monday, the day it was due.

It was actually during a moment that I was procrastinating by checking the weather forecast on my phone. My app had indicated with a bright sun and blue skies that Monday would be 70 degrees. Immediately I had pictured myself laying outside, soaking up the rays from the sun and completely enjoying the warm breeze. 

However, the thought of sunbathing abruptly triggered my memory of the 20.109 lecture that mentioned NER was a DNA repair pathway responsible for repairing thymine dimers which were induced by UV radiation from the sun. 

This also reminded me my 20.109 Mod 2 report, the assignment that I was currently procrastinating, was due on Monday at 5 pm sharp. 

My picturesque vision of blue skies with fluffy white clouds and the warmth of the sun kissing my skin had morphed into a cruel image of a defeated version of myself, hunched in front of my laptop screen, fingertips slowly tapping across the keyboard, and staring begrudgingly out the window at the bright, sunny landscape that my other classmates occupied. 

No.

No, that was not going to be me. I was not going to spend such an amazingly beautiful day inside of the Stata center, sipping weak vendor machine coffee, and feeling completely miserable and stressed about my Mod 2 report. This was the promise I made to myself. 

So, I began the heavy work on my paper starting last Thursday. I raced through the methods, polished my introduction, and even finished my least favorite part to write for a paper, the abstract. It seemed like everything was moving along smoothly. I had some figures and a couple of results subsections finished from previous homework assignments and I really enjoyed writing the discussion section from the Mod 1 protein summary (disclaimer, I no longer enjoy writing the discussion section). 

The next three days I would spend a grand total of about 32 hours creating figures, manipulating data, calculating statistical significance, calculating statistical significance again, and again, deciding what results I wanted to mention, what conclusions I wanted to discuss. Most of these hours were spent either in Lobdell of the student center with a large Dunkin' Donuts coffee or sitting at the hightop of the Stata cafe sipping a free coffee courtesy of whoever sets up free coffee on the weekends. 

Of course, there were a few bumps in my journey to complete my paper in time: volleyball game (it was super fun!), 7.05 pset (waiting until Thursday night is a bad idea. 0 out of 10, do not recommend.), personal struggles (resulted in a night of sobbing with an awesome friend), and people who didn't have respect for those who actually have work over the long weekend and decided to turn off the lights and watch a movie without having the courtesy to ask if it was okay (if you can't tell, I'm quite salty about this). 

However, after a couple long nights of isolating myself to the mini lounge, this beautifully awful paper was finished at 1:30  am on Sunday night (Yes, I know it's technically Monday, but by my standards, the next day doesn't start until 2 am.). 

I wish I could tell you that Monday was 70 degrees. I wish I could also tell you that I spent my lovely open day outside, playing frisbee or laying in the grass. However, the reality was that the high was 62 degrees and that I had spent 5 1/2 hours in lab (but I really enjoy lab so it was totally cool). 

Despite not achieving the perfect Monday I had wanted, I had reached my goal of finishing my paper early and the amount of relief I had felt from that accomplishment was enough to make up for my not-so-perfect Monday. 

I would like to thank two people in particular for helping me get through this: Leslie McClain and Jose Rosa. 

Leslie had answered every single question I asked her (even the one when I asked her to let me into 56-302 when I was actually a whole day early for office hours). Thank you so much Leslie for always making yourself available and answering my emails even though you were probably super busy!

Jose is a friend of mine and he spent a couple of nights with me in the mini lounge, allowing me not to go insane from my self inflicted isolation. Although I know it was mostly because he was bored, I still appreciate the fact that he stopped by, asked how my progress was on my paper, and if there was anything he could do to help. 

 

It’s a Bit Easier But I Still Hate It

Yes, yes I know that scientific writing and communication is important.  Trust me, I get it.  But like, why does it have to be so tortuous?

Let me be clear: these feelings are fresh.  As in, I-submitted-my-report-10-minutes-ago fresh (and yes it’s 2:00 am Monday morning … pls don’t judge me).  So I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to give an accurate representation of how writing this Mod 2 report went.

I’ll set the scene:  I had some outlines.  I had some data calculated in an Excel sheet.  I had the list of things to include in each section.  I had a fresh document opened.  But you know what I didn’t have? Motivation.

For this report, I had a better idea of what to do.  I received super helpful comments on my Mod 1 report, and I was determined not to make those same mistakes.  I just didn’t really feel like doing it.

I just thought about the enormous amount of work: I had to make my figures concise and informative; I had to have a clear purpose; I needed to explain my results and discuss them in a relevant context; I needed to think about the future of my research….but that’s so much stuff to do.   And then when I saw “13 pages” on the wiki I immediately had to take a nap.

 But here I am! I did it!!!!! And I’m alive!!!!! All I had to do was push myself.

Ultimately, scientific writing takes a lot of work, but it's worth it.  Spread your knowledge! Show how cool you are!  If nothing else gets you motivated, just remember that you're an amazing scientist with something to say.  Beyonce wouldn't be able to do this, but you can.

I’m still working out the kinks, but I think I’m getting the hang of it.  Thank you thank you thank you Leslie, Maxine, and Noreen for dealing with all my questions. (Also shout-out to my amazing lab partner Jackie for dealing with my weird sleep-deprived ramblings.)  I think the most important thing I’ve learned from this whole process is that we all need help sometimes, and that’s okay. 

Don’t feel that as an MIT student you need to have everything figured out. I knew nothing about laboratory techniques, let alone NHEJ repair, before taking 20.109.  And that was fine!  Remember that everyday is a journey and you won’t get things right the first time.  You just have to keep working.

Usually, the first thing you write will not be your final masterpiece.  Take those pieces of feedback and make yourself better.  Future you will thank you for taking the time to grow.

I feel like I just got kind of deep there, but everything I say is true.  This has been one of my hardest lessons to learn in 20.109 as well as at MIT in general.  Keep learning, and don’t be afraid to learn from others.

With that, here’s a picture of my best friend’s new puppy.  Her name is Shamrock, and she believes in you!

Be Like Beth

I'm sure we're all feeling pretty burnt out from the Mod 2 report right now. I know I am. So with that in mind, I'd like to start this post off by talking about something (dear God, anything) that is not science.

It was the fall of my sophomore year. After a summer of UROPing and fun, I was feeling refreshed. Track and field practice hadn't started yet, so I found myself with both the time and motivation to work out on my own. This is how, one afternoon, I found myself in the almost-empty Burton-Conner gym (and by "almost-empty," I mean it was me, diligently following my suggested weight lifting plan, and one other girl, trotting along on the treadmill, minding her own business. For the sake of this story, let's call the girl "Beth." I have no idea what her actual name is, and probably wouldn't recognize her if I saw her again.). Beth and I spent the majority of the time ignoring each other, just trying to do our workouts in peace. This blissful state of isolation wouldn't last for long, however, because about half an hour into my lift, I heard what can only be described as clomping footsteps, followed by a distraught "OH NO" from Beth's treadmill. I turned around just in time to see her trip and shoot off the end of the treadmill. This was something I'd seen on the internet many times. 

However, seeing it in person is an entirely different experience. Shocked and unsure of what to do, I asked if she was alright. An embarrassed Beth mumbled something to the effect of "I'm fine. Don't worry," and resumed her workout with no more to say on the matter. This left me with two thoughts: 

1. People falling off of treadmills are hilarious. The videos are funny, but it is 100x better in person (provided that, like Beth, the faller is unharmed). 
2. Props to you, Beth.  If it had been me that had fallen off of the treadmill, especially with a witness present, I would have scurried away in embarrassment and shame, and I probably would have avoided treadmills for a long time. 

 For me, writing the Mod 2 report felt a lot like running on a treadmill.

• It's not very fun. Let's face it: both activities can be downright painful at times. 
• It's hard work. A [statistically?] significant amount of time has to be put in if you want to see any benefit. 
• After an hour, you might not have made any progress toward your final destination. Yes, maybe you reformatted a figure or did all of your calculations, but you probably didn't add much to the length of your overall report. For me, this was a big part of why this assignment felt so hard. 
• Sometimes you fall off completely. Maybe you spent hours making a figure look perfect and writing a flawless caption to go with it, only to realize you don't actually need that figure to tell your story. Maybe you changed your mind about the story you wanted to tell half way through. Maybe, like me, you did all of your statistical significance calculations and made your corresponding figures, only to realize you didn't change one of the green sample number boxes in the spreadsheet, leaving you no option but to redo all of the calculations and several figures. When that happens, there's nothing to do but cry a lot  tell yourself, "be like Beth" and get back on track. 
• After many "workouts," you see results. Like being in better shape or finally having a finished Mod 2 report. 

Easier Said Than Done...or Pictured?

I don't know about you, but in high school, we were advised during our public speaking class to picture our audience as if they were present in nothing but their underpants. It's laughable, but it was a technique that worked for some of my friends in high school. The logic behind it? "It takes away their appearance of superiority, which makes them more approachable and less intimidating," my teacher explained. As for me? Nope. The only person I could ever imagine in their underpants was this guy:

*fast forward to April 7, 2016 aka Day 2 of TR journal club presentations*

To put it bluntly, I was distracted on the day of journal club presentations due to family circumstances that cropped up the week before. Long story short, my mom was trying to call me from a hospital in Taiwan and wanted to videochat me all while I was trying to pay attention to my classmates' presentations and remember that SIRT1 is a "mammalian NAD-dependent deacetylase". I was given the chance to present to the instructors another day, but I knew it wouldn't be fair to my classmates, and it was better to get it over with anyway. When it was my turn to present, up I went to the front of the room to tell everyone how "SIRT1 inhibition impairs non-homologous end joining DNA damage repair by increasing Ku70 acetylation in chronic myeloid leukemia cells".

the way I thought I'd be presenting:

how I actually felt:

Given that I had practiced presenting in my empty double a couple times before (and my roommate's poor prefrosh had to listen to me spout jargon about gamma-H2AX markers and olive-tail moments), I got into a good speaking flow, but there were times when I stumbled across words or *gasp* mentioned a point that wasn't explained by text or a figure on my slide and I had to fight to keep smiling and pretend everything was going to be okay. But in the end, it was! My presentation was neither too short nor too long, and after the end of the Q&A, I was none the worse for wear.

Takeway: Your presentation doesn't have to be perfect. We're all human. #bringonthosefuturepresentations

Conquering stage fright...

They do say to picture your audience naked. But your audience is not nearly as scary as nonhomologous end joining, and that is harder to picture naked.

At least for me, more fear came from the topic than the audience. Maybe that is because of my confidence that my labmates wouldn't judge me for overusing the phrase "um" or blinding myself with a laser pointer, but it is probably more because the material is much scarier than the presentation itself. DNA repair is a cool and complex subject, with strong implications in a wide range of diseases, as well as many unknown factors. Weird as it may sound, I wanted to do DNA repair justice, especially since most people in the room already had a strong background in the subject.

The mechanics of slide-making requires putting yourself in the audience's shoes-- what will they look at when they see this slide? It seems to me that the best presentations used simple figures with one easily digestible take-home message for each slide. The presentations worked best when this take-home message fit seamlessly with the overarching message of the paper.

At least for me, I noticed that even if I explicitly planned a sentence, I might not say it unless it was on the slide overhead. A few extra notes would have been extremely helpful for this reason. While it was easy to explain what was on the slideshow, it was much harder to convince myself to remember the take home message and transitions of how one experiment leads to another. I do feel like I learned a lot from going over this presentation, and extremely strongly recommend recording yourself presenting at least once and watching. With enough practice, any 109 student can make NHEJ proud :)

20.109, MCAT, and being a senior

This blog is mostly about 20.109 while MCATting.

So the MCAT is hard. It requires a regimen, it requires focus, it requires a lot of reading and practice problems. And it requires bladder control (read : https://www.reddit.com/r/Mcat/comments/2rjv9l/exam_breakssnacksothers/).

It's not that 20.109 is hard. 20.109, given an appropriate amount of time and focus, is extremely manageable, especially for seniors, who normally have experience in labwork and/or communication. However, it does require focus, and the MCAT tends to take that. Whenever you have a break in classes, you will want to be cramming new material into your head. Any second spent editing a figure or caption, even just making fonts bigger or smaller, feels like a second you could have learned what on earth FSH stands for or which needs are on Maslow's Hierarchy.

When that 7.5 hour test is over, the first feeling is relief. The second feeling is the taste of Insomnia Cookies. After 12 hours of sleep, being able to focus on other classes, at least for me, becomes a blessing. But it goes away as you remember sleeping, family, friends...

Which brings me to the next topic! 20.109 while a senior. So, from the outside, senior year can look like:


But really, we've all seen what 4-8 years can do...:



It can be difficult to admit, but classes are almost never the ultimate priority during senior year.  You are facing big transitions and decisions, and the real challenge is defining your priorities: keeping track of long-term goals and short-term goals. The communication skills for 20.109 require revision and thought even more so than time alone, and that takes a lot of dedication and focus.

20.109 is a fun class. It combines cool science, original research, and communication skills, and is honestly one of the best classes I have taken while at MIT. However, it is geared to sophomores, and, senior year a lot of life is happening.